ECLIPSE: Chapter 1-Ultimatum

CHAPTER SUMMARY: There aren't any ultimatums in this chapter, don't know why it's called that. Bella and Charlie argue about herself, talk of future, Bella wants to see Jacob and Edward is a controlling boyfriend. This book may actually be worse then New Moon...

NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
We start off with Bella reading a note from Jacob only ninety percent of it's crossed out but we can still read it anyway...if Jacob didn't want her to see the obvious crossed out words why did he just write it on a new piece of paper? Also? A little thing called ERASERS. Perhaps you've heard of them? There are even ones for pens nowadays (they're really cool too) but in a world where no one has an iPod or a cell phone I don't know why I expect people to have erasers.
Much pondering goes on as Bella reflects on how much pain she is in...because Jacob is in pain and that is hurting her. Yeah. Will not even comment on how much I laugh at this because it's frankly her OWN DAMN FAULT. But whatever. We move on right into the gender stereotyping: Charlie trying and failing to make a meal for Bella. Question, how is it a full grown man who has lived on his own for YEARS before Bella came along and not burned the house down, not know that you don't put metal in the microwave? Seriously? This is beyond stupid. My dad knows that and he's not what you call a master chef. I knew that when I was FIVE because most mother drill that into kids or at least mine did. You cannot tell me he was never taught that as a kid. Now you're just shaming men, Meyer.
Bella whines about how Charlie has been such a jerk. See, not only is she grounded, she can only see Edward for two and a half hours everyday under supervision. But she still sees Edward when he sneaks into her bedroom, but still it's SO UNFAIR. Um, NOT. That is actually quite a lax punishment in my book, especially considering she still sees him behind Charlies back. Also a little not Meyer, when Bella is thinking of EDWARD in the fiance term, it should be ONE E. Two Es like what you put, is the FEMININE form of it, or are you trying to tell us something about Edward?
Anyway, Bella whines about how she has to spend a few hours away from Edward and then there is foreshadow about killings in Seattle and Charlie complains that it's because it's a big city...apparently he now all of a sudden is a city hater. Okay, I can buy that it would explain why he was so bent on staying in Forks, however why is it now just coming up? If he hated big cities so much I would think it would come up in Twilight or something. Bella never once mentioned her dad's feelings on cities nor did he ever rant about them, ditto New Moon. Wierd and shows me that Meyer just decided that this was a good character trait to throw in without thinking about WHY he feels this way. Sloppy Meyer, real sloppy.
Well, after that random character trait throw-in, Bella and Charlie start to talk. Or Charlie talks and Bella kind of but doesn't really listen and thinks she's right as usual. This line made me laugh out loud:

"So I'm thinking maybe you deserve a parole for good behavior. For a teenager, you're amazingly non-whiney."
From Eclipse, Chapter 1

Wow...just WOW. I can't decide if this is Meyer who doesn't know her main character at all or Charlie who doesn't know his daughter at all. I'm thinking it's a little bit of both (but in Charlie's defense Bella lies to him constantly so really, he doesn't have much choice; Meyer who is writing this damn thing has no such excuse). Because what was Bella doing a few pages ago? WHINING. What did she do throughout Twilight and New Moon? WHINING. So yeah...moving on.
Basic gist of the conversation is that Charlie lessens Bella's punishment with the conditions that she not involve herself so much with her boyfriend. YES! Thank you! This is actually very sound advice and I heartily approve. Bella however thinks it's stupid and is of course not going to listen because Charlie doesn't know what he's talking about. I beg to differ but whatever. Oh, and in all this there is recap going on with her friends and basically Angela and Ben are the only ones she seriously considers friends and I don't think she counts them as friends because what amount of thought does she give them? None.
There is then talk of college. Bella of course got into a bunch of them and can't muster up any enthusiam about the subject. I thought this girl was supposed to be intellectual? Most people I know were EXCITED about college, even the ones who were maybe not that academic. But no, Bella just sniffs and que conversation about money issues because we're still supposed to believe that she and her parents are poor (even though there magically was enough money for motercycle parts and a plane ticket to Italy) and that there hasn't been enough money saved up in ye olde college fund. I've already said my stuff on how this doesn't fly in New Moon so I'll move on.
As if this chapter wasn't bad enough, Edward shows up. Que vivid description here. I hated this:

"Good evening, Charlie." Edward was always flawlessly polite, though Charlie didn't deserve it.
From Eclipse, Chapter 1

Excuse me, you little brat, you may not be happy with the punishment but you deserved it and your father has every right not to trust a guy BROKE YOUR HEART and caused his family grief. Don't try and make Edward out to be the better person here just because he's "polite". Tell me, has Edward APOLOGIZED to Charlie for what he did to you? I'm betting no. So you know what? You're a brat and I'm quickly remembering why I hate this series.
More talk of college ensues and oh look, Edward got into all the Ivy League schools, big surprise there. He is perfect so of course he would be Ivy League. Then he and Bella leave and there's talk that Bella actually isn't going to college because of the whole vampire thing. Lovely message to teen girls Meyer: college isn't important! Staying with your boyfriend from high school is! I know some high school sweethearts make it and that's great. But eighty percent of the time? DOESN'T WORK OUT. I also love how once again it's: give it all up for the man you love. I have a question, why can't the man worry about making the WOMAN happy for a change? Or why can't they compromise so both can be happy?
Oh, there's also a conversation about Whuthering Hieghts which in case we didn't get it, is suposed to illusion this series to that classic. Or something like that I think. Once more, Meyer shows she understands NOTHING about classics. I will say Edward is right, it's not a love story. However, it's not a hate story either. It was social commentary on class division, obsession, and revenge. It is actually a very beautifully written story (unlike this piece of junk) and while it's not my favorite book, I appreciate the things the author had to say. Oh, and Bella? Heathcliff and Catherine were NOT IN LOVE. They were OBSESSED with each other. There is a HUGE difference. But considering you think what you and Edward have is true love I'm not that surprised that you totally missed that.
There's then some pointlessness about the Seatle killings being a new vampire (why Bella is so shocked about this, I don't know) and then it's onto Bella wanting to be friends with Jacob, for HIM because he's evidently in such pain. Did anyone else get this? Because I didn't really see how he was in pain. I love how Bella just assumes he cannot possibly be happy or healthy without her and that her presence will make everything all right. I would think it would make it worse, but apparently not. Then Edward argues against it and of course Bella backs down but is not going to give up. End of boring chapter.

WORD LIST: stringent, claudestine, convoluted, malignant
POSIBLE EDITS: fiancee in reference to Edward should be fiance.
Chapter title.
GENERAL ANNOYANCES: Bella. Sexism. Edward.
My jaw flexed.-What? How does a jaw flex? I don't think that's physically possible.

ECLIPSE: Cover and Preface

Hello internet, I'm back with more ranting on the Twilight series. Had to take a short break in order to read some good books (see my other book blog Fangirls View in case you're interested in which ones ;is so not plugging;). So now it's on to the third one, Eclipse. I will say that I firmly believe Twilight should have been a trilogy. Eclipse was totally unnecessary except to make Meyer and company more money and to trick fangirls into thinking that Jacob still might have had a chance with Bella even though logical beings know that he didn't stand a chance because Meyer is totally in love with Edward and would never do that to him. It also tricked them into thinking something was going to happen in Breaking Dawn besides the obvious happily ever after. I will go as far as say it was a prequel for Breaking Dawn itself if that makes any sense. But that is my belief. I also made a promise to read this series all the way through this so I must read this utterly pointless add on book. Yay.
Well, as always, pretty cover with a red ribbon breaking in half. So I'm suspecting ties/bonds are going to broken here. Perhaps Jacob and Bella's? Except their's was already kind of broken in New Moon...okay...I'm sure it'll make sense at the end. Possibly.
The preface...is REALLY short. Seriously, this blog post probably has more words in it. Basic gist is Bella is in danger (again) and she has a protector defending her (male of course and already we're getting into the sexism...great) and a wolf is howling somewhere.
Shall I skip ahead to chapter seventeenish to find out what is going on, because in Meyer's pattern with this series, that's usually where the preface takes place. But no...no...I made a promise to read all the way through. Well, that's pretty much it. so, let's move on to the next part tomorrow.

WORD LIST: none (not enough words for there to be any)
POSSIBLE EDITS: I still say these are not prefaces, but whatever.
GENERAL ANNOYANCES: Bella is already a damsel in distress and we are only on the first page. I see we haven't solved this issue yet.

NEW MOON: Epilogue-Treaty

CHAPTER SUMMARY: Jacob is an ass, nothing is new...why is there even an epilogue?

NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
Basically all the epilogue is for is to trick people into thinking that stuff is actually going to happen in Eclipse. I have it on good authority that Eclipse is actually quite boring (even some fans have told me this). But it's here, so I'll do my commentary.
We start off with Bella babbling. She talks about how unfair this all is. Charlie is still mean to Edward, she has to deal with school and now it looks like she won't get into an Ivy League after all (having had a state school education I can tell you that there's nothing wrong with it, I'm a little tired of Ivy League wannabes making state schools out to be poor education). Even more unfair is Jacob won't talk to her. Well gee Bella, you led him on into thinking that maybe you to could have some sort of relationship, but then it turns out that the guy who broke your heart is in trouble and you ditch him like a hot potato to go after said guy and even worse welcome said guy back into your arms no questions asked. And you wonder why he's not happy with you? I know I've said it a lot during this book but WHAT. A. SELFISH. BITCH. Want proof? Here:
So, though I didn't mention Jacob much, sometimes my frustration and anxiety boiled over.

"It's just plain rude!" I vented one Saturday afternoon when Edward picked me up from work. Being angry about things was easier then feeling guilty. "Downright insulting!"
From New Moon, Epilogue

Yes, downright insulting that a person doesn't cater to your every whim like everyone else, how dare he. I would also like to point out a double standard here:

I guessed that he had some reciprocal prejudice against the werewolves, though he wasn't as vocal as Jacob had been about the "bloodsuckers."
From New Moon, Epilogue

See, it's not all right for Jacob to have prejudice about the Cullens but notice she doesn't put up as much as a fuss about Edward's prejudice only because he isn't vocal about it. Yes, because not being vocal about one's prejudice makes it perfectly okay to have it. UGH.
There's more crap where Bella tries to compare this to Romeo and Juliet (again NOT THE SAME) and they get home and it turns out Jacob has left Bella's bike at her home and now Charlie knows she was driving it. Bella feels horribly betrayed and I can kind of admit this was assworthy behavior on Jacob's part but considering it's Bella I can't muster up much sympathy for her. There's vivid description as the two of them go to the woods to meet Jacob.
Edward impolitely tells Bella Jacob's thoughts as she yells at him and there's crap about Edward thanking Jacob for taking care of Bella (wow...that's not at all being pompous). Then there's sappy moment with Bella and Edward right in front of Jacob (way to throw it in his face guys) and Jacob reminds Edward that if Bella is bitten that breaks their treaty and they are free to go after the Cullens. So at this point I'm kind of going...why is this epilogue called treaty? If you call a chapter a treaty that usually implies that there is going to be peace made between the characters. There is no peace being made here. A better title would have been, Confrontation...or Threat or something...just not treaty. Once more Meyer fails at titling her chapters.
There is epic foreshadow as it's said that Victoria is still out there so we still get her as the big bad for next book...yay? Then Jacob says goodbye and Bella is all hurt that he doesn't want to be friends anymore (oh and in between this we get Charlie in the forest yelling for Bella...I don't know why this is in there except for another way to make Charlie look like a jerk) and then Jacob leaves. But Bella assures herself they'll be friends again and everything's okay cause she has Edward. God awful book FINALLY ENDS.
So, now I'm halfway through this series and I still loathe it just as much as I did in Twilight. I will say Meyer has kind of maybe sort of improved. I mean she tried to add some sort of interest and has sort of cooled it with the theosaurus words and I give that Jacob is actually a relatively decent character. But that doesn't stop this from being a bad book unfortunately. I've decided after reading this that the main reasons I just can't like this series are Bella and Edward. Bella is a horrible main character. It's not that she's selfish, bitchy, and whiny (although it does annoy me to no end). There are plenty of characters out there with these qualities that I actually like. The problem I have is, SHE DOESN"T CHANGE. She remains this way throughout the series. The way to make characters like this is to a) make them have some redeeming qualities (Bella has none), b) give some sort of reason for why they are the way they are (for instance Cordelia Chase from Buffy, I have a firm belief that she was the way she was at first due to upbringing and a internal need to be liked by everyone. Then in meeting Buffy and getting to know the Scoobies she started to realize that maybe being liked by everyone wasn't so important and grew into herself further as she moved to LA and was on her own for the first time. This doesn't happen with Bella AT ALL), and finally c) HAVE THEM CHANGE (I think we can all agree that Bella doesn't change at all).
Edward is pretty much the same thing, just for guys. Then there's also the rampant sexism (don't you just love how in this epilogue Edward and Jacob talk about taking care of Bella like she can't take care of herself on her own or is some sort of pet? Seriously, it was like he was thanking Jacob for taking care of his cat while he was away or something), the anti-feminism, and all the illogical things going on that could have been made plausible had Meyer taken time to do more then a mere google search.
So in short...minimal improvement but it's not enough. Now we're moving on to Eclipse...so that means two more books to go! Yay!

WORD LIST: none for this part
POSSIBLE EDITS: "bloodsuckers."-The proper ending to this sentence would be "bloodsuckers".
Wrong title for a chapter (again)
Has anyone figured out the point of the flower on the cover for this? I don't get it. There's no significant mentioning to a flower nor do I see how it relates to the story. If someone could clear it up for me, that would be great.
GENERAL ANNOYANCES: Bella

NEW MOON: Chapter 24-Vote

CHAPTER SUMMARY: We basically get more stuff from the last chapter: Bella and Edward reaffirming their love for each other (because last chapter's gag worthy dialogue wasn't enough), reassurance that Bella will actually get what she wants, and then oh my gosh, Edward proposes!

NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
Man, I thought last chapter was bad enough. This one starts out where last one left off, Bella leaving for the Cullens. Intead of cutting to her arriving at the Cullens which a normal (and better author) would have done. Meyer has to waste more trees and have Edward and Bella talk about yet more stuff we already know. There is still more crap about Edward feeling guilty, Bella confesses that she was suicidal (but still insists that she actually wasn't) and for some damn reason didn't think Edward actually loved her and is surprised when he says he does. Or something. I don't know, I confess I skimmed over this part because I was sick of seeing the same damn conversation over and over again. Oh, and in between this there's vivid description of Edward jumping through the trees. To give you an example of the ridiculousness going on:

My heart inflated like it was going to crack right through my ribs. It filled my chest and blocked my throat so that I could not speak.
From New Moon, Chapter 24

Yeah. Never mind that if something was blocking her throat: she'd be choking and would probably die. How this is romantic is beyond me. Even Nicolas Sparks is rolling his eyes at Meyer right now.
We finally get to the Cullens and Bella says her fate is now up to the Cullens. Because you know, the Cullens are the only vampires in the world that she can hang out with. She can't go to that clan in Denali or whatever. Sorry, but this is the way Bella is making it seem. Edward lays out some lame reason for why they don't actually have to turn Bella and I'm sorry I don't get this option at all BECAUSE IT MAKES NO SENSE. Don't get me started on the more ridiculousness of Demetri's power. Remember how James was suposedly a remarkable tracker? Well, now Meyer's disputing that and saying no, there's another guy who was actually more awesome then him.Anyway, because she's a Mary Sue, all of them (sans Roselie, who I actually think did Bella a solid here) vote yes to turning Bella. Then they all argue about how to go about it and then Edward says lets wait and takes her home.
The two of them barter about when she gets turned, and then Bella says she wants Edward to be the one to turn her. He then says okay, but only if she marries him. For some reason, Bella has no problem giving up her soul for this guy but she has an issue with marrying him. What the hell? She's willing to spend eternity with him but doesn't want to walk down the isle with him? Please tell me how that makes sense. Don't try and give me crap about Renne and Charlie either please, Meyer. It was pretty clear that it wasn't marriage that was the problem in that relationship, it was Renee's immaturity. Also, while I do understand why Renee would have issues with getting married young, I find it hard to believe Bella would care because when has she ever listened or cared about what her mother thinks? Never. At least never in this book series.
So I'm sorry, this is crap. Meyer just wanted to make it look like no, she's not endorsing getting married young, because look Bella didn't agree with it at first! Of course, she mostly disagrees for superficial reasons, namely what will people think not actually the idea of marrying young so it falls flat. Also note, that Bella doesn't say anything about how this will interfere with college. She actually doesn't say a word about college. Further proof that school is actually not very important to this girl.
Well, Edward leaves her to think on it and then Charlie arrives and Bella is basically a brat. I'm sorry she is. She all but tells him how this is going to go and threatens consequences if he doesn't comply. Then she has the nerve to act like HE'S being the child here! UGH. Just...UGH. I'm not sure who I'm more mad at: Bella for being the ungrateful brat that she is. Charlie for letting her walk all over him (but in his defense, she doesn't give much choice because he might never see her again if he doesn't comply) or Meyer for writing this crap in the first place and making it okay for kids to treat their parents like this. Just...good lord.
If that isn't bad enough, Edward returns and doesn't even tell Bella to cut her Dad some slack, they kiss and act sappy, and horrible chapter ends with them kissing. One more part to go in this torture then it's on to Eclipse. I can't believe I've made it this far...

WORD LIST: a lot of misused words as usual but no big theosaurus ones
POSSIBLE EDITS: Bella and Edward's conversation is not neccessary, CUT IT.
GENERAL ANNOYANCES: Bella
he took me in his arms and sprang lithely from my window-...I don't think you can use the word lithely to describe jumping. It's a description word for people...not for actions...but I could be wrong but still...this one bugs me.
He nodded. "I'm worse than the Volturi," he said grimly.-I'm sure the Volturi would agree with me in saying: HA! Please. I think the Volturi are lame as super villians but at least they are actually evil like Edward tries to claim he is.

NEW MOON: Chapter 23-The Truth

CHAPTER SUMMARY: Bella takes moron to a whole new level, she and Edward get back together (as if we didn't see that coming), and she gets miffed when he admits he's actually not going to bite her.

NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
This chapter brings up two things that are huge issues with me. One is, what is the whole damn point of extending this series if really all you're going to do is drive home the same damn idea in Twilight: Edward and Bella are meant to be! It's true love! Blah, blah, blah. This book was mildly interesting when it appeared that perhaps things won't be perfect and that Bella will actually not get what she wants. But it's ruined because Meyer puts her characters right back into the same place they were at the end of Twilight. They are still obsessed with each other, still truely madly in love, and Bella maybe now will get her wish. So what was the whole damn point of breaking them up in the first place?
The second issue it brings up is that I think I now know the major problem with Twilight: EDWARD. When Edward wasn't around, this book was actually slightly bearable. I didn't hate Bella quite that much (she still annoyed the crap out of me and probably always will, but it wasn't to the extent of loathing I have felt for her these last few chapters) and Jacob was much more adorable (even though he's kind of an ass too, but at least with him his reasons for being an ass are kind of legit). Even the writing wasn't as bad because Meyer didn't use all these vivid descriptions to describe Jacob's abs or whatever. But the minute Edward appears again, BOOM. Back to the countless (and bad) descriptions, back to pathetic Bella (really, it's even worse now, I think) and just groan worthy behavior. I'd actually go as far as to say that being with Edward makes Bella WORSE then she already is (and dumber).
To illustrate this point I'm making, lets talk about the chapter. We open with Bella dreaming for the eighty millionth time even though the dream is fuzzy except for the angel in it (three guesses who ;rolls eyes;). Bella wakes up and is reluctant to let go of the dream but gasp! it wasn't a dream! Edward is there! But she's convinced she's still dreaming. UGH. This crap again. I haven't missed it and sadly since Edward is back, we are going to get more of it again. Sigh.
Even stupider, is Bella now thinks she actually did kill herself and starts going oh poor Charlie, Renee, and Jacob...except she didn't show much care for their feelings before so I have a hard time believing she would actually care about them when she was dead. Edward finally tells her she isn't dreaming (DUH) and then we get right into the boring dialogue.
First, Bella is mad about Charlie being mad at Edward. That jerk! Being mad at the guy who broke his daughters heart. How dare he ban Edward, never mind that it obviously isn't working because he's right there. The two of them have no explanation to give him either for why she went away for three days. Bella asks Edward what he's been doing. Then we get boring monologuing.
Edward then expresses apologies for not having figured out that Victoria would come after Bella and she of course says he has to stop living with all this guilt and I want to throw up. I also want to know why it's so important for HIM to be happy but not for HER to be? Time and time again this has been a theme in this series: make the man happy! That's what's important! It's irritating. Yes, making the person you love happy is important, but it shouldn't be at the sacrifice of your own happiness or feelings. I have yet to see the men be as concerned with the women's happiness in this book. I've certainly never seen Edward thinking of Bella's feelings at all other then checking to see if she's still obsessed with him which doesn't count.
If this wasn't bad enough, we get more confessions of what is pretty obvious: Edward still loves Bella and only did what he did to protect her. Cue cheesy romantic dialogue that even romance movie writers would roll thier eyes at.
Then we get the vivid description of them kissing (but not having sex!). More monologueing from Edward about stuff we've pretty much already figured out because the average reader is probably not as dumb as Bella. We get more talk of Edward and his feelings and Bella gets mad when she learns Edward was tracking Victoria. This is utterly wierd, because this is right in between their dialogue:

Charlie's distant snores stuttered, and then picked up a regular rhythm again.
From New Moon, Chapter 23

Um...a) How could she hear that all the way in her room, and b) Why is this even relevant? Seriously? Anyway, Bella scolds Edward and good lord, why is this girl so convinced that no one can take on Victoria? She is ONE VAMPIRE. Last book they all took out James easily enough and he was suposed to be this big huge bad so I don't know why she's so convinced they can't handle Victoria. It's stupid.
Then the talk turns to the Volturi and Bella is surprised that Edward isn't that worried. Then she's miffed to learn that Edward actually doesn't plan on turning her. Some crap about them actually never coming to check up on them...yeah...Edward. Someone is in denial. Anyway, Bella thinks this is horrible of Edward to not turn her into a vampire because then she'll get OLD and I want to yell at her for this:

"You do realize that I'll die eventually, right?" I demanded.
He'd thought about this part, too. "I'll follow after as soon as I can."
"That is seriously..." I looked for the right word. "Sick."
From New Moon, Chapter 23

WHAT? SICK? THAT'S the right word for what is actually quite sweet for a change on Edward's part? Excuse me, Miss Swan but I know plenty of human couples who have done this. My aunt and uncle for one. These guys were married for over sixty years then my Uncle died. My Aunt died a year later. How the hell is growing old and loving a person no matter their age SICK? God what a shallow bitch. I normally don't loathe literary characters but with Bella...I can't help it. I can not stand her. Stuff like this is why.
But instead Edward doesn't seem to think this is offensive (I know a few guys who if they made that statement and a girl said that, they would be offended and rightfully so) and tries to reason with her but Bella is having none of that nonsense and decides she's going to the Cullens and letting them decide. Has anyone else noticed that the only time Bella actually stands up for herself is when things don't go the way she wanted?

WORD LIST: genteel
POSSIBLE EDITS: Half the chapter as usual. The thing about Charlie's snores was also random and not needed.
GENERAL ANNOYANCES: Bella's stupidiy and shallowness
His eyes were sad. "Did you expect anything else?"
My eyes were mad.-Are you kidding me? First, eyes are part of a person and therefore can't feel emotion. This sounds like some demented kids rhyme.
I turned my thoughts to less painful avenues.-Brother...Just say she changed the subject Meyer.

NEW MOON: Chapter 22-Flight

CHAPTER SUMMARY: We are back to the pointless chapters. Bella cries a lot, Edward holds her while she cries a lot, they go home, Bella forgives Roselie, Charlie is unfair yet again. The end. What is the point of this?

NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
In the beginning, Bella pretty much just blubbers. Seriously it's all she does. Doesn't try and think about how maybe they could HELP the people, she just cries about how awful it is. While she's crying I'm going to take a moment to point out something wierd. Alice mentioned that there was very little crime in this town right? Well, about forty people go missing from a festival, I'm pretty sure that's going to be noticed and also assuming that it looks like the Volturi feed this way often well I'm pretty sure that this is noticed by police and missing people is called a CRIME. Another thing...the Volturi are suposed to make sure that their kind don't get noticed a lot right? Well...gee this woman is leading forty missing people to their death is kind of noticeable thing. More examples of Meyer contridicting herself.
Back to Bella crying, the group has to stay till dark so basically she has all day to cry. Bella then realizes the human receptionist knows what's going on and is appalled to learn she wants to be a vampire herself:

I shuddered. "How can she want that?" I whispered, more to myself than really looking for an answer. "How can she watch those people file through to that hideous room and want to be a part of that?"
From New Moon, Chapter 22

Um...gee Bella, who was it that just a few chapters ago said she probably would have still been in love with Edward even if he was a killer? Who, just a chapter before last was BEGGING TO BE A VAMPIRE? Oh yeah, YOU. Jacob was right on the money when he called this girl a hypocrite.
But naturally the people are forgotten because joy, rapture, she and Edward are back in each other's arms. But the stupid twat still doesn't actually believe Edward still wants anything to do with her romantically. Uh, honey, he's holding you while you cry; he was facing TORTURE for you last chapter. I'm sorry THIS GIRL IS DUMB. There's also this laughable statment:

Lucky Alice. She could trust her future.
From New Moon, Chapter 22

Except that a) her predictions aren't reliable at all and are actually kind of useless, and b) I believe it's been said that she can't see her own future? God, read your own story Meyer, please.
Well anyway, more description of being in Edward's arms and how wonderful it feels and how he couldn't possibly still want her yadda yadda then oh it's time to go!. For some reason going requires Alice to steal another car. Um...she lost the yellow car that fast? Also didn't Edward have one when he arrived? I mean how did he get there? Seriously, I'm beginning to think that Alice just has clepto tendencies.
Description of plane flight and how they pass the time and the Cullens are there to pick them up. All of them are of course super grateful to Bella. Then Roselie has to be forgiven and in more of Meyer's effort to show us how selfless her Mary-Sue is, she does. Then they drive Bella home and Charlie is there and he's super angry. Rightfully so.
He's also ticked at Edward, again, rightfully so. But of course Bella takes offense to this and tells him to cut it out and Edward carries her up to her room because she's so tired that she can't walk herself. God. Spare me. Where have I seen this before? Oh yeah, every other Harlequin romance novel except in those there was a legit reason for the woman to be carried to her room and it didn't reek of pathetic female needs strong man to take her home...okay, usually it was so the couple could have hot steamy sex. But still.

WORD LIST: None this chapter. Yay!
POSSIBLE EDITS: Entire chapter wasn't needed.
GENERAL ANNOYANCES: Bella's patheticness and hyprocritecy (if that's a word..;is not sure;)
Bright, harmless music tinkled from hidden speakers.-There's no such thing as harmless music, as there is no such thing as dangerous music unless you are those idiots in the sixties/seventies who tried to ban rock and roll.

NEW MOON: Chapter 21-Verdict

CHAPTER SUMMARY: We see the Volturi for the first time...I'm not that impressed. It is basically reinforced to us that Bella is SPECIAL and UNIQUE and therefore according to the Voluturi that means she deserves to be a vampire which basically means that Bella will be getting what she wanted in the first place. Even though she did nothing to deserve it.

NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
You know, the Volturi was one of the few things I was looking forward too in this book. Given the obvious foreshadow, I was pretty sure they were going to show up (and I've watched the movie so I was spoiled) and now we see them and just like all of Meyer's other supposed bad guys: they're lame. With maybe Jane having some sort of potential.
Seriously, I was all geared up at first for a great debate and while there was some it mostly just turned out to be: Bella is super awesome! We're not sure why, she just is! Great. Because we haven't gotten enough of that in Twilight. Maybe Meyer felt the need to do this because she realized that at this point Bella has become quite pathetic and therefore wants to remind her readers that this pathetic girl is special, we just have to wait and see why. Of course from what I understand, we never actually find out why so really it's just saying: Bella is awesome. Sigh.
We open where we left off last: Edward, Alice, and a clingy Bella being led by Jane and other unimportant vamps through the tunnels. The first pages of this are all description. Description of the halls, description of the vampire's boring clothing, blah, blah, blah. I guess Meyer is making up for lack of vivid description and saw an opurtunity to use new words. Yay.
After about the two and half pages of description we finally get to the Voluturi and they are also vividly described. All of them are beautiful of course but for some reason are wearing boring clothing. Not sure why this is, Meyer never explains. It's apparently something these vamps just do. Here, we finally meet Aro and Aro...is kind of a twat. Actually, I think the best description for him is a Merlin type character who is overdramatic and possibly high. Here's a tidbit to give you an idea of his wierdness:

He glided to Jane, took her face in his papery hands, kissed her lightly on her full lips, and then floated back a step.
From New Moon, Chapter 21

Yeah...please keep in mind that Jane is like Bella's age. Think on that what you will. Even worse is that Aro is a HUGE monologuer. You thought James and Laurant were bad? They've got nothing on this guy. Plus, this guy uses Meyer-type words as well. I've never been irritated by a villian before, but Aro (if one can actually call him a villian...) REALLY irritates me. It doesn't help that instead of being subtle, Meyer basically has Aro tell the readers what he's thinking and it doesn't leave much room for surprises.
Well, anyway, Aro goes around reading peoples thoughts and I have to say, I find his power ridiculous: he not only reads thoughts, he reads every thought you've ever had. Yeah. How is that possible? Also how does that tie into that crap rule that Meyer said about a vampire's ability tying into a strong trait they had in real life? Was Aro exceedingly nosy about people when he was alive or something? Really, it makes no sense. If you're going to make up rules for your books, Meyer: FOLLOW THEM. Otherwise, just say you thought it would be a cool power and stop trying to act like you're actually using logic and science. Because I'm sorry, it's quite clear that you're not.
Well, Aro monologues some more about how happy he is about how everything turned out, and how surprised he is that he's happy about how everything turned out. He muses about Carlisle, he muses about how amazing Edward and Alice are and how fun it would be to have them in the Volturi...he just pretty much muses out loud about everything that comes up. FINALLY, he decides to try and read Bella's mind and because she's a super special Mary Sue, he can't read it. This surprises him, it doesn't surprise me.
Then he asks Jane to test her power on Bella and this pisses Edward off and he attacks and then Jane uses her power...which I'm not entire sure what it is...she causes immense pain? Like some warped version of the Cruciatus Curse (sorry, Harry Potter reference, couldn't stop it)? Well, all I know is that Edward starts writhing in agony and if finally clicks for Bella that "oh, everyone is wary of this girl because she's dangerous." Ugh.
But of course, Jane's power doesn't work on Super Mary Sue Bella. Because for some reason none of thier powers work on her. Again, NO REASON IS GIVEN FOR WHY THIS IS. We're just meant to buy that Bella is special. Some vampires see her as a threat and I'm sorry but HOW? She's a human right? These are super special vamps with abilities. It's not like she can actually hurt them. All that's special about her is that their powers don't work on her. Whoopee. She's also obviously kept the Cullens a secret for all this time so why would they think she wouldn't keep the Volturri a secret? I'm just saying, this Bella is dangerous thing is really thin. Big scary vampires being afraid of a teenage girl who can't actually hurt them? It just doesn't compute Meyer, sorry.
Naturally, because this is an wish-fullfillment series for Bella/Mary-Sue/Reader, Aro suggests that they turn Bella instead because instead of Super Human Mary Sue she would be Super Vampire Mary Sue and that would benifit them. So Bella gets what she wants: she will be turned into a vampire in the future. What has she done to earn this reward? Oh yeah, NOTHING. This is one of the major problems I have with this series: Bella always gets what she wants in the end, BUT SHE DOES NOTHING TO DESERVE IT. Good books have the characters working hard and going through obstacles to get their goals (see Harry Potter) and sometimes they don't even succeed (see book version of the Little Mermaid). One of the many reasons Twilight fails so hard for me is that Bella really does nothing to deserve all these rewards she gets. She doesn't have to work hard to win Edward or Jacob's heart. Both guys fall instantly for her. She doesn't have to work hard in school, she always gets good grades. Doesn't have to work hard to get respect in the werewolf or vampire clan: they instantly respect her (with one or two minor exceptions who are just labled jealous harpies). She doesn't even have to work hard to make FRIENDS. It's ridiculous. Yet, she gets everything she wants in the end. Don't get me started on the message this probably sends the tweens/teens that are reading this.
Well, after Bella gets what she wants (but acts like it's a big punishment or something) they head out the door and Bella sees a group of humans being led through by a vampire and realizes they're food. She, Alice, and Edward don't do anything to stop it, they just get out of there quickly as Edward comforts poor distraught Bella. Who has cried for like the eighty millionth time in this book. Thier time might have been better served...I don't know STOPPING IT? Thus, the Bella is awesome chapter finally ends.

WORD LIST: antechamber, cavernous, papery, baleful, beatific (Meyer is clearly making up for lost time)
POSSIBLE EDITS: Cut the damn descriptions!
GENERAL ANNOYANCES: Aro's papery hands-what the hell are papery hands? Anyone?
The flowers' smell reminded "papery" handsme of a funeral home.-Um...exactly how many funeral homes have you been too, Bella?
The only furniture in the room were spaced unevenly, flush with the curving stone walls.-Flush with the curving stone walls? What? What does that even MEAN?

NEW MOON: Chapter 20-Volterra

CHAPTER SUMMARY: a span of two minutes is dragged out to make a whole chapter. I've mentioned that Meyer is long winded, right?

NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
So Alice and Bella arrive in Volterra (I will just spare a moment to say wow Meyer, really original naming you have going on in here-Volterra/Volturi. Yeah...) and it seems as though we are back to the vivid description of things. Great. I missed those...not. Apparently for some reason they aren't being allowed to drive through and I wonder why a) they aren't allowed to drive through in the first place, and b) why it's so urgent for Bella and Alice to drive through in the first place. Considering it's like, what, a block? Maybe two? It doesn't take that long to run down a few blocks.
But apparently it does in Meyer's world. Also to make everything more dramatic, people are all wearing red. A whole big paragraph is wasted on a woman's scarf fluttering in the wind. Give me a break.
Alice bribes the guard with a thousand dollar bill and just...wow. Meyer knows they don't print thousand dollar bills on demand anymore right? A hundred is about as high as it goes. I won't even go into why exactly is Alice carrying around a wad of thousand dollar bills in the first place because it would hurt my brain to try and come up with a logical reason for it. Because frankly, there is no logical reason. It's just dumb. This isn't even going into the fact that they are on foreign soil and therefore the guard probably wouldn't take American money because he knows what I do: American money is worth way less then Euros and if he took it and tried to convert it to Euros, he'd probably end up with less then a thousand dollas. Once again, Meyer fails to think, and to do research.
But whatever, Alice and Bella get through the gate and go through the crowd and naturally it takes longer, which I could have told them, and there is vivid description that actually doesn't really tell us much except: there are brown buildings crowding a small narrow road. In which case, she should just say that. But then she wouldn't be Meyer.
It finally occurs to the girls that Bella getting out of the car would be faster (duh) and she goes and starts running. None of the people seem to notice or think she's stealing something (which in Italy, would probably be a lot of people's first thought). They don't even wonder why she's running across the freaking water fountain! In real life, there would have been guards and they would have arrested her butt.
They also don't seem to notice the crazy running lady screaming someone's name. I'm sorry, but NO CROWD IS THAT LOUD. When you hear someone screaming a name over and over, you notice. There's random description of a family for some reason (if Bella is so focused on Edward, why is she noticing such miniscule details like this? Seriously) and then Bella sees Edward. Insert vivid description here and of course the first thing she notices is how perfect and lovely and gorgeous he is and decides then and there that he is the one for her, even if he doesn't feel the same. Proving once again, THERE HAS BEEN ZERO CHARACTER GROWTH. Because this has pretty much been her thought throughout the first one, and throughout this book except for maybe like a minute where she considered Jacob. Which brings me to wonder: what the was the whole damn point of writing a sequel if you're not going to have any character growth whatsoever?
But anyway, Bella naturally gets Edward to move back into the building. He (in a so not cheesy way ;heavy sarcasm here;) quotes Romeo and Juliet (once again Meyer, WRONG ANALOGY because once again THIS IS NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL, UGH) and thinks he's gone to hell. Wow. That's flattering. You just save a guy, he thinks he's died because you're there but instead of being in heaven he thinks he's in hell. I'd be slightly insulted by this, but apparently I'm dumb and don't recognize romantic overtures when I hear it (at least according to yon Twihards when I mention this).
The cheesy reunion is cut short by the arrival of two vampires. Felix and Demitri and in case we get the idea that they actually become important, quick rapid description is given for them. They say it's time to meet Aro and Edward tries to get Bella out of it but fails. Alice somehow gets there along with a newcomer named Jane and they all go off to meet the Volturri.
Long pointless description of the group walking to the location which involves dropping Bella down a drain hole (sadly Alice catches her) and much of Bella acting like a coward in the sewers. Ends with them coming to an entrance. Thrilling stuff no?

WORD LIST: infinitesimally (yes, this is hypothetcally a word...I think), undulated
POSSIBLE EDITS: All the description bits need to be cut short a lot.
GENERAL ANNOYANCES: His voice was like honey and velvet.-Cause you know, honey and velvet go great together!
But the face was too pretty for a boy.-Um...really? Cause I've seen a lot of pretty boys in my day. That kid who plays Justin on Ugly Betty for one (I'm so sad that show is ending). Justin Bieber, Joe Jonas, etc. I'm just saying, this statement is stupid.
The wide-eyed, full-lipped face would make a Botticelli angel look like a gargoyle.-For all the wordy description Meyer gives...this tells us nothing except that she's beautiful. Which does not narrow it down.

NEW MOON: Chapter 19-Race

CHAPTER SUMMARY: Bella and Alice talk about stuff we've pretty much already figured out on our own. That's it.

NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
This is yet another chapter titled wrong. Because there is no real race. A better title probably would have been Plans, or Talk, or Plane Flight. Because the title misleads the reader into thinking there's actually something exciting going on in this chapter when all that happens is filler material that isn't even really needed because all the info we either knew from before or could have figured out after, or could have just been tacked on the next chapter. Seriously, there's a reason there was like thirty seconds spared for this chapter in the movie: IT IS NOT NEEDED.
Well, anyway all the stuff from last chapter is lulled by the long plane ride and Alice and Bella talking. I probably will not spend much time on this chapter because it's so pointless.
In the beginning Alice is making a call to Jasper. Then Alice starts explaining stuff to Bella and this whole thing brings me back to one of my issues with Meyer that I know I've said before, but it bears repeating. She does way too much telling and not enough showing. Not only that, but half the telling she does is either a)contridictory to what is shown, or b) pointless to tell because the reader has usually figured out what's going on by then. But Meyer seems to think her readers are slow and that this is actually a complicated plot (it's not) and so she flat out tells her readers what's going on either through one of the characters or Bella herself.
In this case, Alice is the one not to subtly telling the reader what is going on, why all this is so urgent, what Edward is thinking, why they can't do stuff (even though I don't think the reasons are valid but whatever) etc. Because you know, we're so dumb we couldn't have figured it out on our own. Then of course, Meyer (in a not very subtle way again) has Bella ask the questions that the she thinks the reader would come up with and then have Alice explain it to Bella/aka the reader.
Some people may have no problem with this type of writing but for me, it's irritating. Not only does it waste paper but I don't like being treated as if I'm not intelligent enough to figure out a simple plot. I could understand if this were a kids book, but this is a YOUNG ADULT book. Teenagers can think for themselves Meyer and can figure stuff out. Maybe they won't always come to the right conclusion (hence why a lot of them actually think Twilight is amazing) but still, give them some credit please and let them figure this out for themselves.
As if the obvious telling us what is going on wasn't bad enough, we get more recap over what the Volturi are and do. Um...Meyer, you had Edward tell Bella this stuff in the first damn chapter, remember? Now, no we didn't know they enforced the rules, but considering that Edward called them the closest thing to a royal family it was more or less implied that they kept the peace. Seriously Meyer, we're not stupid, I wish you would have more faith in your readers.
For some reason Bella gets angry that the Cullens never told this to her and frankly she is an idiot. The Cullens didn't owe her a damn thing, SHE WAS A STRANGER. This girl has some serious self entitlement issues.
Alice has another vision and she learns that the Volturi refused Edward and he is now going to kill himself by showing that he sparkles in the sun...so many jokes can be madea about this that I don't know where to begin. This guy however has said all I have to say on this matter. Seriously, read his whole blog. It's hilarious and way better then mine.
Then the talk goes to Edward himself and I'm sorry, the fact that Bella still thinks Edward actually meant what he said in the forest after he's freaking killing himself over her suposed death is just DUMB. No girl is THAT STUPID. You cannot tell no girl would think: huh, he's killing himself because he thinks I'm dead, maybe he still has feelings for me? I mean, come on!
Then there's this lovely reaction after Alice mentions the idea of her possibly turning Bella herself:

"Oh, Alice, do it now! I could help you so much-and I wouldn't slow you down. Bite me!"
From New Moon, Chapter 19

Good God, woman, have some self respect (don't even get me started on the jokes that can be had from the bite me sentence). Seriously, this is more evidence to my theory: Bella doesn't actually love Edward, she loves the idea of what Edward is. In other words, she wants to be a vampire. In her mind being a vampire is akin to being a God and that it makes you a perfect being. In order for her to be truly perfect, she needs to be a vampire. Edward is just a bonus in this. A way to get what she wants as well as having a hot boyfriend who will do her bidding. But, that is my theory.
They get off the plane and Alice steals a bright yellow car (wonderful role modeling there, Meyer. Why exactly couldn't they call for a rental? They have them right there in the airport and it's really quick.) Then they head to the high way and get to Volterra.

WORD LIST: transitory
POSSIBLE EDITS: Chapter title again, and the fact that this whole thing could have been edited into the next chapter.
GENERAL ANNOYANCES: Alice and Bella are like always bouncing in their seats during this flight. In the real world they would have a) been asked constantly if they were okay by passengers or flight attendants or b) seriously looked at for suspicious behavior because of the bouncing. Nervous behavior on flights nowadays=terrorist in a post 9/11 world but I'm guessing Meyer didn't realize this when she was writing it.

NEW MOON: Chapter 18-The Funeral

Chapter Summary: Despite the title, there is no funeral, just a mention of it. Jacob acts like a jerk again, due to a random series of events Edward believes Bella has killed herself and is now off to his death and Alice and Bella are off to Italy to stop him. Meanwhile I'm reading this and going you have got to be kidding me.

NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
This is another chapter that was titled wrong. If you're going to have the title: the funeral, SHOW THE FREAKING FUNERAL! Mentioning it in passing and not even mourning the character who died DOES NOT COUNT. Bad title, Meyer. Better title would have been Miscommunication or Edward's Choice, or my prefered one: Edward is an idiot.
Well, we last left off at Jacob being at the door (but with some fake buildup saying "maybe it's not Jacob!") and he is once again an ass. But then Bella is a bitch to his ass so it all evens out. We are given more examples of The Cullens are so much better then Werewolves favortism by Bella:

It made me sad, and a little annoyed. The Cullens weren't like that.
From New Moon, Chapter 18

Um...I beg to differ or did she conveniently forget how Alice reacted to her spending time with a werewolf? Or how the Cullens treat the pack in coming chapters? Yeah, don't kid yourself Bella. They are just as bad, actually moreso because they have a condescending attitude about it. But of course, Bella wouldn't dream of thinking that her precious Cullens aren't perfect so this attitude is excused by her or just ignored.
However, she doesn't ignore Jacob's attitude or the Pack's attitude and is quite frankly a bitch about it. Yeah, the Pack's attitude towards the Cullens kind of stinks, but it's their JOB. They are bred to be protectors. Plus, again, the Cullens are just as bad towards them. I'm just saying her attitude reeks of a double standard.
Anyway, Jacob is bitchy to Bella about Alice and she is bitchy right back and he goes to leave and she starts to freaking cry AGAIN. Come up with something else for this girl to do, Meyer, PLEASE. But the tears work because Jacob comes back and is all sorry, and there are promises of friendsmhip yadda yadda. It's all very Lifetime movieish. Only Lifetime Movies have less annoying characters and better dialogue (no, seriously they do).
But then during this heartfelt talk, Jacob ruins it by starting to kiss her and then Bella panics:

No! I hadn't made this decision yet.
From New Moon, Chapter 18

Um...WHAT? It's all you've been freaking thinking about for like the last five chapters. I was under the impression that you were ready to give it a go. So was Jacob, hence why he is going for it you dumb broad. Please do not act like this is such a freaking surprise. With all the flirting and the spending time with him what conclusion did you expect him to come up with? Also, if you really haven't made up your mind yet (which again, I find hard to believe because it's all you've been talking about) THEN SAY NO. Jacob is not Edward and when you tell him no, I'm pretty sure he'll back off. God, the giant leaps in character plot backtracking that Meyer makes are unbelievable sometimes.
But, wait for it. The plot leaps get even more silly as the chapter goes on. A couple of paragraphs later where the two almost not quite don't kiss the phone rings. Jacob answers and is generally rude saying Charlie's at a funeral. Bella harps on him for answering the phone. For once, I agree with her. It is her house, it was not right for Jacob to decide that she doesn't need to talk on the phone.
Then Alice shows up as she and Jacob are arguing and in a wierd turn of events end up on the floor (seriously, I do not get how that happened at all). Turns out that Edward is in some sort of trouble.
Then Alice calls Roselie, turns out she told Edward about Bella's fall. Alice is generally a bitch to Roselie (this seems to be the chapter were everyone is a jerk to everyone else) and now it turns out that the person on the phone wasn't Carlisle it was Edward and he now thinks Bella is dead. Keeping up with me so far? Your head reeling yet? Just wait.
Bella initially was okay and figured he would call again (why would she think this? That is so stupid) but then quickly panics when Alice tells her that Edward has decided to go to Italy. Que clue bus and vivid flashback of earlier book of Volturi conversation (because Meyer thinks her readers are so stupid that they won't be able to make the connection right away) and then she goes into panic mode worrying over Edward. Proving that there has been no character growth here whatsoever.
Alice tries to talk her out of going and Bella pretty much throws a tantrum (I'm sorry but it was, an adult tantrum but a tantrum nontheless) until she gets her way. She and Alice make plans as Jacob watches (I kept picturing his head going back and forth between them like a tennis match for some reason).
Then as she leaves, she hears Alice and Jacob arguing (more bitchiness here, and also again proof that the Cullens are not much better then the Pack or at least Alice isn't much better). Bella intervenes and as she and Alice head to the car Jacob begs her not to leave. She tells him bye and gives a half assed sorry and then begs him to take care of Charlie. Nice. As they leave she catches a glimpse of a figure in the trees that couldn't at all be Victoria. Just wow, is all I have to say to this chapter. It's not a good wow either, it's the kind of wow I utter after watching ridiculous soap opera episodes. As in wow, I can't believe they actually put that lame storyline in there.

WORD LIST: tabulated, belligerance
POSSIBLE EDITS: the chapter title. Also the word grudgedly, is not a sentence.
GENERAL ANNOYANCES: Bella, Jacob, Alice, Bella again.
The whole wierd random sequence of events in this chapter.
BELLA'S CONSTANT CRYING

NEW MOON: Chapter 17-Visitor

CHAPTER SUMMARY: Alice comes, she and Bella have girl time, and that's about it.

NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
Another pointless long chapter brought to you by Meyer. Really, I've noticed a pattern with her books: she sets up the story and it's maybe interesting for like the first half of the book. But then she kills all interest by giving away the obvious storyline way to early, and then we get about five chapters of filler until all the stuff happens in the last two chapters and it's all settled really quickly so our lovers can say their declarations of love. Seriously, this book mirrors almost exactly the same pace and plot idea as Twilight, the only new thing is the werewolves and Jacob's involvement. Ten bucks says, Eclipse is going to be the same.
Well, anyway, the person in her house was Alice (que gasp here ;rolls eyes;) and Bella breaks down crying AGAIN when she sees her and they cuddle (in a total non-lesbian way, sorry men) and chat. I had to laugh out loud at this:

Alice sighed. "Id forgotten how exuberant you are," she said, and her tone was disapproving.
From New Moon, Chapter 17

First, what is so wrong with being exuberant? Second, Bella? Exuberant? I'm sorry, Alice has MET Bella, right? Definition of exuberant: filled with or characterized by a lively energy and excitement. Does that sound at all like Bella? No. Her emotion ranges from depressed, to semi-depressed, to sort of happy and then back to depressed again. She is NOT exuberant. Seriously Meyer, you do not know your characters AT ALL. Now ALICE may be described as exuberant (though she's not really in this chapter) but Bella? Just...no. This is total and complete word use fail.
Okay, so turns out Alice saw Bella jump and calls her an idiot. I agree. Bella claims she wasn't commiting suicide to which I laugh at. Bella spills the beans to Alice about Jacob being a werewolf. Alice chides her for spending time with a werewolf and while she does make a valid point, it is more of that vampires are better then werewolves attitude. Because seriously, how hypocritical of Alice is it to say it's dangerous for Bella to be around Jacob but it's not dangerous for her to be around the Cullens?
More talking about stuff. Random moment when Jacob calls to check up on her and is an ass and hanges up as soon as she says she's okay. Alice starts to leave and we get more weepy and needy Bella (UGH) and Alice agrees to stay. More talk about what the Cullens are up too. Apparently they are all in a different place right now. I thought they all traveled together and went to high school over and over? That was the impression I got in Twilight anyway. But I guess not.
Charlie comes home, brief (really brief) moment is spared for Harry and his family, and then there is tense moment where Charlie sees Alice and relents and lets her stay. Bella goes to sleep.
She wakes up and overhears Charlie telling Alice what went on during the zombie period. Basically, Bella acted like a spoiled brat when her parents tried to help her and then just acted like a robot. Which we pretty much could have gotten ourselves so this whole thing is not needed. It just seems like Meyer just wants us to remember: Bella is in deep seated emotional pain. Which we kind of can't forget because Bella herself reminds us of at least twice a chapter. I also feel the need to point out again: IT WAS JUST A BREAK UP. What happened to Jennifer Anniston and Brad Pitt was more painful then this. But you didn't see Jen going into a comotose state for four months. Nope she went on to make a hit movie (see the Break Up, it's a much better written break up then this crap and it's hilarious).
So the moment stolen from a Lifetime original movie ends and then Bella finishes eavesdropping there is more talk about what the Cullens are up to. For some reason Carlisle and Esme are in Ithaca. Emmet and Roselie are on another honeymoon in Europe (um...didn't they just get back from a honeymoon in the beginning of this book? How many honeymoons do these guys HAVE?). Jasper is at Cornell and for some reason Edward is in South America. Okay, really random places here, what happened to sticking to places that had lots of rain and clouds? Cause um, Ithaca? Farm country. Lots of sun. How do they hide their sparkles?
We also conveniently get more backstory on Alice because she has been doing research with the info Bella got for her. After Alices backstory, we get paragraph break and then Charlie leaves in a suit to go...somewhere. It's never said. Bella plays good little housewife and for some reason Alice doesn't help, she just asks Bella what's been going on. Doorbell rings and Alice realizes it's Jacob and because she didn't see him in a vision she assumes that means she can't see werewolves. Or it could mean you know that his decision to come over wasn't really important so she didn't see it? But anyway, chapter ends with doorbell ringing again. Seriously, that's Meyer's cliffhanger: Jacob has come. Wow, that is bad suspense builder.

WORD LIST: egregious
POSSIBLE EDITS: I froze.-This is NOT A PARAGRAPH.
GENERAL ANNOYANCES: I cried, as I slammed into her.-Umm, ouch. I thought you were happy to see her? Why are you tackling her?
I grimaced. "It was for recreational purposes only."-Yeah, cause there's really a recreational way to JUMP OFF A CLIFF INTO DANGEROUS WATERS. Give me a break Meyer. The casual way this woman is treating a suicide attempt is really annoying.

NEW MOON: Chapter 16-Paris

CHAPTER SUMMARY: Bella sadly doesn't drown. She thinks how her life is like Romeo and Juliet (when it's SO NOT) and OMG Carlisle's car is in the drive way prompting Jacob to be an ass (and kind of a wimp), and Bella realizes too late how much danger she was in on the cliff. I want this book to be over with already.

NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
We open with the predictable guy saves girl from drowning scene. About the only way that this isn't at all like the other guy saves girl from drowning scenes is a) the girl didn't try to drown on purpose in the other scenes, and b) the girl is usually grateful for being saved. Seriously, Bella does not once say: hey, thanks for saving my life. She just apologizes for being stupid and Jacob agrees that she was stupid. But no where in there is a thank you for risking your life for me. Am I the only one who finds this a) Really rude, and b) Kind of wrong? Just saying.
Perhaps Meyer forgot the thank you bit in favor of rushing to tell us that Harry is now dead. This is a bummer, I liked Harry. Bella, for some wierd reason, feels guilt over this. Um...what? No worry over the guy himself who is her father's best friend but guilt because "no one should be worrying about me right now". I'm sure this was another attempt on Meyer's part to show us "See? She's so selfless!" but it falls flat instead because yet again Bella manages to make someone elses predicament all about her. Also again, no real worry or remorse for Harry himself.
Jacob brings Bella to his place where she falls asleep and dreams again. I'm sorry but this girl has WAY TOO MANY DREAMS. No person dreams this much, nor do they always have such vivid and poigntant dreams like she always has. They have the stupid naked in a room full of people dream...not that I've had that dream that's just an example ;whistles;. It is also pretty pointless too because the dream itself is pointless and adds nothing to the story.
Bella wakes up and there is another pointless scene where Meyer just has to compare her dime store romance to a classic work of literature which might as well be her saying: my books are classics! You are reading a classic in the making!. Ugh. First of all, Twilight is hardly going to become a classic. Name dropping good books and trying to point out how your book is like a classic does not make it a classic. This is one of my many irritations with Meyer in the fact that she seems intent on making Twilight out to be a literary masterpiece and just can't accept that she's actually just written a YA romance novel. If she just accepted Twilight as it was and didn't try to make it more, then maybe I wouldn't be half as irritated with her as I am.
But she does and so I now feel the need to point out why Twilight IS IN NO WAY like Romeo and Juliet. A) Romeo and Juliet is actually well written. I will argue it's not the best of Shakespeare's works, but it's still good. B) Romeo and Juliet is a SATIRE and a TRAGEDY combined. Twilight is neither of these things. Now if Twilight WERE a satire I would recant all the bad things I have said about this series and call Meyer a genius. However, it is clear she means every word written in this series so it is sadly not a satire. C) Romeo and Juliet actually had legit problems. Most of the problems that develope for Bella and Edward are born out of either their own stupidity or do not actually exist. D) Romeo and Juliet actually were star-crossed lovers. Bella and Edward are happily accepted and again have no issues so they are not star-crossed lover. So I'm sorry Meyer, THIS IS NOT ROMEO AND JULIET. Please retake your English courses and accept that you write romance novels. There is nothing wrong with writing romance novels. Accept it and embrace it and please stop trying to make Twilight into what it isn't.
Where was I? Oh yes, Bella totally getting Shakespeare wrong. I also would like to point out that as Bella and Edward aren't even together anymore this Romeo and Juliet thing and trying to make Jacob into Paris really is a bad comparison to begin with because as I've said: the two situations are completely different. Bella's thoughts go on for a long time and just when I'm starting to get tired of the pointlessness Billy shows up to confirm that Harry is dead. I love how even in the wake of Harry's death, Bella STILL manages to think about her romantic entanglements. She doesn't wonder what will happen now to the family (a small thought of poor Sue and kids does not count, I'm sorry) or even thoughts of what she should do to help them out. Nope. She thinks about her love life. Nice. I also want to know why it's so important for JACOB to be happy? Please note her thoughts are on how to make the male happy. Not at all about how she herself feels about the situation. Yes, this is another sexist moment in this series.
Then suddenly she and Jacob are at her house and Jacob is apparently as selfish as she is and has been thinking about the two of them too. Then we get more of Bella's thoughts as she and Jacob are about to kiss. I think the reason I don't feel any emotion during these so-called romantic tension scenes is a) I want to roll my eyes at the characters stupidity and b) half the romantic tension is dulled by TOO MANY WORDS and not enough showing. We don't need Bella's constant thought commentary during these scenes Meyer, just a note. We understand the situation. We don't need constant explanation of what the situation is or you telling us how we should feel about it.
The romantic moment (if one can call it that) is blown by Jacob smelling a vampire and he goes into caveman mode (is it me or is this like the default setting for all the guys in this series?) and starts to yank Bella out of there but she spots a car and automatically knows it's Carlisle's. Insert stupid and wierd description of how she felt inside the car (really, what is this paragraph about?).
Jacob is ticked that she wants to go inside to meet the Cullens and I don't get the motivation here at all. I get Jacob doesn't like vamps but he's met Edward and seemed pretty okay with the Cullens beforehand. So really, he just suddenly has decided he can't be in the same room with one of them now so he runs off? Leaving Bella behind? Being mad and going in with her would seem more his thing, but this...just seems random and ill thought out and like Meyer wanted him to be made out to be a jerk. Well, she succeeded.
Bella watches him leave and for some reason we're now told that Victoria was close enough to kill her at the cliffs. Um...a) this wasn't neccessary, and b) if it was neccessary it probably would have been better told at the cliffs and not here when she's just had an arguement with Jacob because it seems like a wierd thing for her to think about now. But honestly, this whole chapter was kind of overly long and full of wierd random actions. It ends with someone being in Bella's house waiting for her. Oh the suspense is killing me! Except that it's kind of...not.

WORD LIST: None this chapter, good job Meyer!
POSSIBLE EDITS: I shook my head, trying to absorb what he was staying.-Sigh...you meant to type in SAYING instead of staying. This is why editors come in handy Meyer.
I wondered vaguely if it was wrong to sleep...or was I getting drowing mixed up with concussions...?-The three period business is not needed. I get you're trying to be stylistic with Bella's inner voice, but it's a fail here. just put a comma in the first one and leave the last three periods out.
GENERAL ANNOYANCES: What a stupid time to be reckless-There's a smart time to be reckless?
At that moment the rain stopped. I hadn't realized we were already back to Jacob's house until he walked through the door. The storm pounded against the roof.-You just said the rain stopped...is there storm going on or isn't there? I'm confused.