BREAKING DAWN: Chapter 5-Isle Esme

CHAPTER SUMMARY: Bella and Edward arrive at their honeymoon destination and have sex (off screen) and it's very damaging to Bella causing much angst and Edward deciding they're not going to do it again till she's a vampire. I meanwhile, am still bored to tears.

COMMENTARY/NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
This is yet another description heavy, with very little happening chapter. It also full of sap. I don't know about anyone else but this book feels to me like Meyer didn't really know what she wanted to do with it. It kind of feels like she didn't want to write it in the first place. I mean, I honestly feel like she's basically writing this for the sake of a paycheck and because fans demanded it of her. Because so far? This whole book is basically wishfullfillment after wishfullfillment with little to no conflict. It's BORING. Not that I really expected otherwise because the whole series is pretty much conflict free and full of wishfullfillment-itis, but really, it's the last book. You could at least attempt to go out with a bang. Well, who knows, maybe she'll surprise me in the next four hundred or whatever pages we still have to go. For those wondering why updates have been so erratic...I've just had little to no motivation to continue this. Literally this blog (and the fact that I had to actually pay for this five hundred page paper waster) is the only reason I'm still reading this crap. Once I'm done with this book, I'm done with Meyer. I thought of maybe picking up the Host to see if it's any better, and maybe even reading Bree Tanner and Midnight Sun for completeness sake but you know what? No. Just...no. I can't take anymore. So after this book, that's it. I refuse to give Meyer anymore money then she's already gotten from me. It's just not worth it. Especially if she's going to be this lazy with her writing.
Okay, moving on. As I said, more sap in this chapter and more heavy description. We get details of Bella and Edward traveling by plain to South America to land to a boat. Naturally, Edward not only speaks the local dialect fluently (it's Porteguese in case you're wondering), he can man the boat entirely by himself (being a girl, Bella doesn't know anything about boating nor does she offer any assistance whatsoever). You know, this perfect man sthick is getting old really fast for me. Just once, I'd like it if Edward DIDN'T know what to do in a situation or have a skill that he magically knows and does perfectly. Just to shake things up, you know?
Anyway, more description and turns out they're headed to Isle Esme (in case I couldn't figure that out by the title of the chapter) which is an island owned by Carlisle. Yes, he owns an island. AN ISLAND. Just...think about that and try to figure out how anyone can own an island nowadays. Not even Bill freaking Gates has his own island. Also I'm sorry, why don't the Cullens live on this island if being around them is so dangerous? So many plot holes in this one aspect (and that's not even counting the fact that this is wishfullfillment supreme: my hot husband has his own ISLAND!) that I'm going to just move on.
They arrive and more sap abounds along with more description heavy padding. Then we get Bella playing the role of one of the most overused tropes in romantic fiction: the blushing virgin bride. Because you know, a virgin totally wouldn't be excited and looking forward to sex. No, no. That's wrong tween girls who are reading this. You are supposed to be utterly terrified of the mere thought of sex like Bella here. Sorry, don't even try and say that this isn't what this whole scenario is trying to impress upon girls. I can practically feel Meyer standing over my shoulder telling me this is what I'm supposed to be like when the big day comes to lose your virginity. Oh, and naturally, I'm supposed to be married when I lose my virginity. I'm not trying to say this idea is absolutely wrong. If you want to be a virgin when you're married, kudos to you. Hope it works out. I'm saying this idea is incredibly naive and not very accurate (especially the part where girls are supposed to be terrifed about sex and not at all curious about it) and frankly, horribly old fashioned in this day and age.
So yeah, anyway, big cliche of the blushing virgin. We get heavy description once more as Bella prepares for the big moment (I can practically hear the Edward fangirls in the backround screaming get on with it ;)). She goes to meet Edward and they swim around and then...it cuts off we are treated to the morning after. I wonder how many fangirls felt cheated about this. Hell, I felt cheated about this and I'm not even a fan of this series. I mean, this moment was probably eighty to ninety percent of why girls picked up Breaking Dawn in the first place and they don't even get to read it!. It's just such a cop out. Though I don't know why I'm so surprised. I mean the woman can't write bloody war scenes, why would I expect that she'd be brave enough to step out of her comfort zone to write a sex scene?
Even worse then the big cop out, the morning after is filled with angst because it turns out that Edward was rather brutal during sex. Cue angsty "I'm a monster" Edward and "I love you anyway" Bella. Really, Meyer? AGAIN? Even after they're married and have had sex and are supposingly mature adults? But Meyer does try to switch it up I guess. This time Bella tries to smack Edward out of his angsty mood. Because you see, his angsty mood, is ruining her happiness at finally having sex. Our model couple, ladies and gentlemen.
Even more messed up is later when she inspects the bruises and decides she's HAD WORSE. Just...what? I don't even know where to begin with this just know that this is so so WRONG. Oh, and then immediately after deciding that, our supposingly not shallow at all heroine moans about the feathers in her hair that she got from the pillows that Edward busted during sex (that burst because he bit into them...yes I snickered at that, can you blame me?). Then it cuts to breakfast and the chapter ends with Edward declaring they aren't going to have sex until she is a vampire. Hm...I'm sorry, what happened to that whole sthick about Bella wanting to be equals? Because so far from what I've seen in this book...she's still letting Edward make all the decisions. Please, tell me something happens in this book soon.

WORD LIST: teeming, audibly, wintry
GENERAL ANNOYANCES: I am SO BORED NOW.
I frowned. I hadn't realized that Edward's extreme generosity was a learned behavior.-Because you know, being generous is such a bad habit to form. Good God, Bella.