BREAKING DAWN: Chapter 7-Unexpected

CHAPTER SUMMARY: The event that we have totally not been expecting at all (heavy sarcasm there) occurs: Bella is pregnant.

COMMENTARY/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
We open to more epic foreshadow. Bella is dreaming about a kid and the Volturi and her insisting on protecting the kid. We get it Meyer, Bella's going to have a kid. Less foreshadow and more actual plot please.
When she wakes Edward is gone and Bella is sad. So she does the housewife thing: she cooks. Sigh. This is just one of many instance where Bella literally HAS NO PERSONALITY. When I have a day to myself, I don't mope, and I doubt others do as well. I mean, she's a reader right? Doesn't she have a book series or something that she's really excited about? Or maybe I don't know, go for a swim? But no...Bella stays in the house and her first response is to cook. Wow. She literally has no life beyond Edward, does she?
Oh, and how crazy is it that she decides to make the difficult recipe of fried chicken (I'm still trying to figure out how a TEENAGE GIRL knows how to make stuff like fried chicken when her mother clearly didn't teach her and she didn't take classes or anything)? Or that magically the pre-stocked kitchen has all the ingrediants she needs for it? They must have a kitchen fairy godmother or something.
So she starts to eat the chicken and suddenly it tastes bad. Gee, I wonder what could be wrong (yes, that is heavy sarcasm)? Edward comes back and we get more descriptions of Bella going through the common symptoms of pregnancy: morning sickness, sudden exhaustion, sharp pains in her stomach. It's basically all very unsubtle. Between these symptoms and the baby dreams I wonder what could ever be going on? (again, heavy sarcasm) Finally when Bella's period is five days late she comes to the conclusion that she's pregnant.
I would like to say this right now: READ A FREAKING BIOLOGY BOOK Meyer! Does she seriously not realize how ridiculous this all is? First...Edward? You keep claiming he's a vampire well vampires are basically undead. When guys die...so do their sperm. Therefore, even if you are a human the vampire would be what is charmingly called "shooting blanks". Meaning NO SPERM. Before all you Twihards start pointing at the show Angel and Darla getting pregnant with Conner (boy I miss Angel and Buffy...) that was done WITH MAGIC. No magic happening here because Meyer is under the mistaken impression that she's being scientific about all this. To bad pretty much all her information is wrong and doesn't add up. Now if she just went ahead and said, "Oh this doesn't follow real-world rules" then I'd be able to buy it more. But she doesn't and thus my disdain.
Then there's the fact that this is literally less then a week after Bella and Edward had sex and Bella is going through the symptoms of a pregnancy in it's SECOND trimester. Meaning the baby is already like three months old. All of this going on in a matter of DAYS. Somehow Bella didn't notice this either until the symptoms. I would think you would be able to feel an accelarated growth like that. But literally in less then a week Bella has gone through three months of pregnancy without being able to tell. And people wonder why I have a hard time taking this series seriously.
Oh, and people? Being five days late in your period doesn't neccessarily mean you're pregnant. Periods can fluctuate with people (may I just say how annoying it is that Bella's was always right on time?) and if you're doing something different with your body that can sometimes throw it off a lot. I had a surgery for scoliosis in my teens (really bad year that I won't get into) and I ended up missing my period entirely. Also I believe I've heard that if you start having sex for the first time it can throw off your period. So lesson: erratic period doesn't always mean pregnancy. Seriously Meyer, did you even take biology?
Anyway, this makes Bella think she's pregnant and she tells Edward this and he basically faints...or just stands there. So she goes to the bathroom and start to think through possibilities. Her brilliant mind decides: well me and Edward are the first male vampire to have sex with a female human and that's why there haven't been pregnancies before this. No one tried it before us! Are you freaking KIDDING ME? Does Meyer really think we're that gullible? ;looks at Twihards who totally bought this; I guess so and sadly she's right.
If the lame explanation wasn't enough, the baby gives Bella a little nudge and she falls instantly and unconditionally in love like pretty much everyone in this series does. Cue instant super mom!Bella. Just like that, she can't wait to be a mom! Also no problem with deviding her love, she magically loves Edward and the baby equally so there will be no issue there. Wow, Meyer, I didn't realize this was all it took for me to want to be a mother: just get pregnant and I'll automatically love the baby no matter what. To top it off, it's also lazy character developement.
Well, after the obvious Pro-Life agenda moment (please note I have no problem with her being Pro-Life. You believe what you believe. I do have a problem with unsubtle messages being put into books stupid ways in order to push your agenda on the younger generation though) Bella calls the Cullens. Edward gets over his shock and then says they're leaving. As he packs it's obvious he's pissed and this makes Bella bewildered because she doesn't understand why (I kind of don't either, isn't he the one who was lamenting a few chapters ago about how they couldn't have kids?). So she goes and decides to reason through why he's angry (instead of, I don't know, asking him). But instead of reasoning she starts thinking about HER feelings on the matter and what follows is more BS about how she's suddenly looking forward to motherhood even though it makes no sense that she suddenly feels this way.
This brings me to yet another Angel reference. This scenario in here (sudden pregnancy and woman suddenly all happy to carry baby to term) reminds me of one of the early episodes from Season 1 (or maybe 2?) where after having sex with a random guy, Cordelia wakes up at least eight months pregnant. Turns out guy put demon sperm into her (and a lot of other girls) in order for said demon to have kids. First she's naturally freaked and then she starts to protect her kid. Because the demon spawn in her used a thrall or something to make her want to protect it. Remind you of anything? I'm just saying. I also now feel a sudden need to watch Buffy and Angel again...
So yeah, servants show up. The maid notices what's up with Bella and she and Edward start arguing in Porteguese. After he says something, she looks at Bella and says Morte and then leaves. Okay...Random. Then after it's pretty clear that Edward doesn't want to keep the baby as he talks about getting that "thing" out of her and Bella is horrified. The chapter ends with her calling up Roselie for help.
This also ends Bella's POV in Breaking Dawn and also incidently this series. Yay! Farewell Miss Swan. I will not miss you. On to Jacob's point of view. Maybe he'll be more tolerable and I'll actually start to enjoy this book and you know...something INTERESTING will finally happen.

WORD LIST: rancid
GENERAL ANNOYANCE: the utter ridiculousness of all of this. Meyer isn't even trying to make things logical anymore.
'shroud-like mist'-This description is redundant. We know what mist looks like. You don't need to describe mist for us. Just say they came from the mist or whatever.
'They ghosted closer'- One of the stupidest ways to describe movement that I've read.