NEW MOON: Chapter 1-Party

CHAPTER SUMMARY: Bella is turning eighteen and hates it cause that means she's getting SO OLD, she and Edward watch Romeo and Juliet and totally miss the point of it, and then she gets a surprise party (that she hates) and gets cut...by wrapping paper and the Cullens go nuts over the wee drop of blood. Any hope I had for this book possibly being better is pretty much dashed as well.

NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS/GENERAL STUFF:
We open with Bella dreaming. See, she's sure she's dreaming because 1) it's sunny and 2) that's her dead grandmother in front of her. Personally, I would think the dead lady would be more of a giveaway then sun, but that's apparently just me. Then suddenly, Edward is there and as always, is sparkly. Bella is immediately worried about explaining this to her grandmother. Um...if you're sure this is a dream, then why the hell are you worried about explaining something to a dead person in your dream? I'm just saying.
Then, to her shock, Edward goes to the old lady and wishes her happy birthday. Oh noes, that old lady is HER! How horrible! She's so OLD! Bella is horrified at this when she wakes up. God, not even five pages into this (I'm guessing, remember, I'm reading kindle version) and I'm already pissed off at Bella. Were I a senior citizen I'd be highly offended by this. Being old is not horrible. It's maybe a little incovenient, what with health problems and all but obviously, Bella does not care about that, she is clearly more concerned that getting old will make her look...old. For crying out loud, she's searching for wrinkles in the mirror when she's only turning EIGHTEEN. God, shallow bitch much Bella? The fact that I'm already getting pissed off at this girl a few pages in, is not a good sign.
Anyway, Bella leaves quickly and is annoyed that her dad gave her presents even though she told him not too. Yes, what a jerk he is, getting his daughter gifts. Vivid description as Bella drives to school and again as she sees Edward and thinks that her dream did not do him justice. I notice that Meyer did not bother with description for Bella in this book, but happily does so for Edward and the Cullens. Just so we know who the real important people are, you know. Even though last I checked, a book that was in first person pov was supposed to be about that person, not the hot guy she's lusting after. I'm thinking Meyer has realized that she made Bella so boring and annoying that she decided to focus on the Cullens and others instead.
Anyway, Bella has arrived at school and is annoyed that they continue to wish her happy birthday. So evidently six months have passed and Bella has clearly not grown out of her selfish bitchy ways. The Cullens are dead or have died young, so probably they realize how important life is and that birthdays are special occasions that should be celebrated. So get off your freaking high horse and let them celebrate your birthday, Bella.
Alice has conviently had a vision about what presents Bella got and she is annoyed by this. We also get this:

Alice laughed, and the sound was all silver, a wind chime. "Of course
you'll enjoy it. Everyone is supposed to be nice to you today and give you your
way, Bella."
From New Moon, Chapter 1

Um...wow, Meyer must have had some really great birthdays in the past. Also, how the hell is this different from the usual way Bella is treated? Everyone freaking loves her and she always gets her way most of the time to begin with. Meyer has inadvertedly pointed this out and she probably doesn't even know it.
Anway, Bella laments that she is now a year older then Edward. Now this is where I get annoyed again because Meyer/Bella is trying to make it out to be like she's being this big cougar or something the older she gets. Edward has been around over ninety years or so. He is technically old enough to be her great-great something grandfather. If anyone is being a pedophile here it's HIM. She has no reason to be concerned about this, therefore this is dumb. She should be more concerned about the fact that she is dating a guy who is almost a hundred years older then she is. But of course, since Edward is perfect, there isn't anything wrong with what HE'S doing. I am further pissed off that Bella is still annoyed that her boyfriend
won't change her:

I couldn't really see Edward's point, to be honest. What was so great about
mortality? Being a vampire didn't look like such a terrible thing-not the way
the Cullens did it, anyway.
From New Moon, Chapter 1

WHY is this book being hailed as a great book for Christians to read? What's so great about mortality? Last I checked, the Christians had a belief that life was the greatest gift God gave us. But Bella-Sue doesn't care about that. She just wants to bang her boyfriend for eternity. Also, there are plenty of things that are bad about being a vampire or did she totally forget that homicidal vampire she met six months ago? Or how about the whole blood thing? I would think a girl who is supposedly terrified of blood would not want to be a vampire because oh yeah, you have to live off of blood. Also, did she not get the whole thing about being tempted to kill humans?
Okay, back to the book. There's arguing over Bella coming over to the Cullens and Edward finally says he'll watch Romeo and Juliet with her and then they'll go over to the Cullens. There's note how no one stares at them anymore, even though they probably didn't stare to begin with but whatever. Mike is also evidently okay with it now, but Bella notes he's changed his appearance and scoffs at him because he's clearly trying to emulate Edward and no one can hope to look as wonderful as him. Because you know, Edward owns the messy hair look. That Harry Potter guy? Yeah, he's trying to copy Edward too.
Bella apparently hates attention (even though all her actions suggest otherwise) and there is talk that apparently Bella has a job! There is no mention as to what that job IS. Also, we finally learn that Renee is apparently a kindegarten teacher. Um what? My impression of Renee was anything BUT a teacher. I just can't picture her as one, she's so damn flaky and if she can't even use an authoratative voice on BELLA how the hell does she manage a room full of kids? Also, I'm sorry, but teachers and police chiefs are not exactly hard knock life in the cash department. My grandmother was a teacher and she has made a damn fine living on it. Likewise with other teachers I've known. So I'm sorry if I don't get why Bella is suddenly lamenting that she's evidently a poor child. Also, if Renee is a teacher I would assume she values education, so I would assume she had made Bella's vacation fund early and had a lot in it. By the time I was eighteen I had enough to pay for the first few years of college and that was even after dipping into it a bit to pay for a trip in high school. So, yeah, several things about Bella's supposed money woes don't click. Especially since they evidently had plenty of money to send Bella to dance school and music lessons. Dance schools are expensive. So are music lessons.
Then of course, this brings up Edward's financial status and of course, he's rich. It's nothing he actually earned though. See, Alice? Can predict stocks. This unfortunately further makes Alice's visions look like crap. Because according to Bella/Meyer a few pages ago, her gift is based on people making decisions. Stocks are not based on decisions. They are based on how many items people are buying at a given time and many other things I don't really get, but I can tell you it is not based on decisions. Likewise, weather? Not based on decisions. So I'm sorry, but Meyer saying they're based on decisions is crap.
We get a whole paragraph on the status of the unimportant, yet more interesting, side characters. Angela and Ben are still dating, Mide and Jessica apparently have broken up, there's some new guy named Conner who I don't know and don't remember from the last book but he's in there, Lauren is still a bitch because she isn't magically Bella's friend and Bella can't bother to take the time to befriend her like a normal person. That would be actual work in a relationship, you see. Bella also clearly still does not think much of her friends because they supposedly ostracize the Cullens. Okay, yeah on one hand maybe they do. But on the other, Alice and Edward could make and actual EFFORT to befriend these people instead of sitting at the end of the table and not talking to people. If they don't want to appear intimidating and treated differently then maybe they could chat with normal people and put an actual effort in to be friends, until they do, they probably aren't going to be befriended because they'll continue to be seen as arrogant. Which, frankly, they are.
Anyway, school ends, and Bella drives home with Edward (there is arguement over whether he drives or not, I'm sorry but it's HER CAR, general rule of thumb is that people drive their own cars). Corny kissing scene and I really have to roll my eyes. These two have been together six months, right? Generally after six months, most teenagers lose that "my lover is perfect" glow. Six months have given the couple time to realize, no the other is not pefect and depending on the relationship those flaws either strengthen or weaken it. But no, Bella is still in that "Edward is perfect, Edward is God" phase. Actually, I think it's gotten worse since the last book. One more reason that this book series "romance" is not realistic.
So, anyway, sappy scene where they watch Romeo and Juliet. We get Edward's commentary on Romeo and frankly it might as well be Meyer saying "my Edward is so much more better then this guy!" and as usual she completely misses the point. Romeo and Juliet? SATIRE. This was Shakespeare's way of commenting on how foolish all the young people being in love and rushing into marriage in his time was. It is outrageous because it's MEANT to be outrageous in order to make a point. Also, even if it's not satire (some people dispute this I think), it is definitely a tragedy. So, yeah, Romeo would destroy his own happiness. That is what is so damn tragic about it! That's what a tragic play IS! I'm sorry, but I thought Meyer was a LITERATURE MAJOR? Did she skip class the day they discussed it or something? I'm beginning to think so.
Edward then laments over the fact that being a vampire doesn't make it as easy for him to be killed...unlike that guy who got killed in the last book. I can already think of a few ways Edward might die using Meyer's methods. Edward clearly isn't trying hard enough. Anyway, Edward mentions the Volturi, and in what is so not an epic foreshadow (note sarcasm) explains that they are an old and powerful family that pretty much rules the vampires.
So then Charlie appears and Bella is disappointed when her dad gives permission for her to go to the Cullens (again, what a jerk!). Cutesy clutzy!Bella moment with her new camera, and they leave. Edward finally tells Bella to stop being a selfish bitch to which I applaud, it's about time someone told her when she's being one. There's mention that Roselie and Emmet are back (from Africa of all places, you guys figure that one out, you tell me please) and Roselie still doesn't like her; that harpy. They get to the Cullens house (insert vivid description) and Bella groans when she sees decorations and it's clear that they are having a party for her, those jerks.
So, present time! Somehow, Bella manages to get her finger SLICED by...wrapping paper. I'm sorry, WHAT? What the hell kind of wrapping paper did these guys use? I've never in my life gotten sliced by wrapping paper. Small little paper cut, MAYBE, but the kind of cut Meyer's talking about? No. Know why? The edges of wrapping paper? DULL. Especially when you consider the way Bella said she opened the package I have to shake my head in disbelief at this. I mean, at least say she was holding a letter opener or something. That would be more believable then THIS. But, nontheless, Bella gets sliced and the Cullens go nuts over her blood.

WORD LIST:quantifiable (bad word usage, meant for numbers not the situation she uses it in)

POSSIBLE EDITS: paragraph two is one large run-on sentence that needs to be chopped up and not a paragraph.
many of these hyphans should be commas or semi-colons.
It wasn't exactly as comfortable as a sofa cushion would be, what with his chest being hard and cold-and perfect-as an ice sculpture, but it was definitely preferable.-First, there do not need to be any punctuation whatsoever between the words 'and perfect'. Actually, and perfect isn't even NEEDED because Meyer has already drilled into our skulls enough times that Edward is perfect, by now she's just being redundant.
He laughed. "I have to step out for a second"-he paused to wink conspicuously at Alice-"Don't do anything funny while I'm gone."-Meyer does this CONSTANTLY and it drives me crazy. Why? IT IS WRONG PUNCUATION. The kind you see in fanfics. Here is how it SHOULD look:
He laughed."I have to step out for a second," he paused to wink conspicuously at Alice. "Don't do anything funny while I'm gone." Seriously, her book is FULL of this mistake and it drives me nuts.

HYPHAN COUNT: 73. Yeah, I could be wrong, but I'm thinking definant hyphan abuse, how about you guys?

GENERAL ANNOYANCES: Our mouths-hers a wizened pucker-spread into the same surprised half smile at just the same time. -wizened pucker? Seriously? You're using that to discribe someones MOUTH? Not to mention, it is not necessary to say her mouth was old and wrinkly, you could have just said they both smiled at the same time without being insulting about the old person. This is one of those cases where those hyphans should be commas as well.
The voice I'd walk through fir for-or less dramatically, slosh every day through the cold and endless rain for.-How is sloshing through cold and endless rain less dramatic then walking through fire? Please.
so how was I supposed to explain the fact that brilliant sunbeams were shattering off his skin-sunbeams do not SHATTER. They REFLECT LIGHT, they do not SHATTER.
Alice laughed, and the sound was all silver, a wind chime.-Peoples voices do not sound like COLORS, Meyer! Yes, it can sound like a wind chime, in that case just say it sounded like a wind chime. Do not use a COLOR to describe a SOUND. It's stupid.
I turned to give Edward a basilisk glare.-Now we're using ANIMALS to describe things. That sound you hear is me banging my head against a wall.