NEW MOON: Chapter 18-The Funeral

Chapter Summary: Despite the title, there is no funeral, just a mention of it. Jacob acts like a jerk again, due to a random series of events Edward believes Bella has killed herself and is now off to his death and Alice and Bella are off to Italy to stop him. Meanwhile I'm reading this and going you have got to be kidding me.

NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
This is another chapter that was titled wrong. If you're going to have the title: the funeral, SHOW THE FREAKING FUNERAL! Mentioning it in passing and not even mourning the character who died DOES NOT COUNT. Bad title, Meyer. Better title would have been Miscommunication or Edward's Choice, or my prefered one: Edward is an idiot.
Well, we last left off at Jacob being at the door (but with some fake buildup saying "maybe it's not Jacob!") and he is once again an ass. But then Bella is a bitch to his ass so it all evens out. We are given more examples of The Cullens are so much better then Werewolves favortism by Bella:

It made me sad, and a little annoyed. The Cullens weren't like that.
From New Moon, Chapter 18

Um...I beg to differ or did she conveniently forget how Alice reacted to her spending time with a werewolf? Or how the Cullens treat the pack in coming chapters? Yeah, don't kid yourself Bella. They are just as bad, actually moreso because they have a condescending attitude about it. But of course, Bella wouldn't dream of thinking that her precious Cullens aren't perfect so this attitude is excused by her or just ignored.
However, she doesn't ignore Jacob's attitude or the Pack's attitude and is quite frankly a bitch about it. Yeah, the Pack's attitude towards the Cullens kind of stinks, but it's their JOB. They are bred to be protectors. Plus, again, the Cullens are just as bad towards them. I'm just saying her attitude reeks of a double standard.
Anyway, Jacob is bitchy to Bella about Alice and she is bitchy right back and he goes to leave and she starts to freaking cry AGAIN. Come up with something else for this girl to do, Meyer, PLEASE. But the tears work because Jacob comes back and is all sorry, and there are promises of friendsmhip yadda yadda. It's all very Lifetime movieish. Only Lifetime Movies have less annoying characters and better dialogue (no, seriously they do).
But then during this heartfelt talk, Jacob ruins it by starting to kiss her and then Bella panics:

No! I hadn't made this decision yet.
From New Moon, Chapter 18

Um...WHAT? It's all you've been freaking thinking about for like the last five chapters. I was under the impression that you were ready to give it a go. So was Jacob, hence why he is going for it you dumb broad. Please do not act like this is such a freaking surprise. With all the flirting and the spending time with him what conclusion did you expect him to come up with? Also, if you really haven't made up your mind yet (which again, I find hard to believe because it's all you've been talking about) THEN SAY NO. Jacob is not Edward and when you tell him no, I'm pretty sure he'll back off. God, the giant leaps in character plot backtracking that Meyer makes are unbelievable sometimes.
But, wait for it. The plot leaps get even more silly as the chapter goes on. A couple of paragraphs later where the two almost not quite don't kiss the phone rings. Jacob answers and is generally rude saying Charlie's at a funeral. Bella harps on him for answering the phone. For once, I agree with her. It is her house, it was not right for Jacob to decide that she doesn't need to talk on the phone.
Then Alice shows up as she and Jacob are arguing and in a wierd turn of events end up on the floor (seriously, I do not get how that happened at all). Turns out that Edward is in some sort of trouble.
Then Alice calls Roselie, turns out she told Edward about Bella's fall. Alice is generally a bitch to Roselie (this seems to be the chapter were everyone is a jerk to everyone else) and now it turns out that the person on the phone wasn't Carlisle it was Edward and he now thinks Bella is dead. Keeping up with me so far? Your head reeling yet? Just wait.
Bella initially was okay and figured he would call again (why would she think this? That is so stupid) but then quickly panics when Alice tells her that Edward has decided to go to Italy. Que clue bus and vivid flashback of earlier book of Volturi conversation (because Meyer thinks her readers are so stupid that they won't be able to make the connection right away) and then she goes into panic mode worrying over Edward. Proving that there has been no character growth here whatsoever.
Alice tries to talk her out of going and Bella pretty much throws a tantrum (I'm sorry but it was, an adult tantrum but a tantrum nontheless) until she gets her way. She and Alice make plans as Jacob watches (I kept picturing his head going back and forth between them like a tennis match for some reason).
Then as she leaves, she hears Alice and Jacob arguing (more bitchiness here, and also again proof that the Cullens are not much better then the Pack or at least Alice isn't much better). Bella intervenes and as she and Alice head to the car Jacob begs her not to leave. She tells him bye and gives a half assed sorry and then begs him to take care of Charlie. Nice. As they leave she catches a glimpse of a figure in the trees that couldn't at all be Victoria. Just wow, is all I have to say to this chapter. It's not a good wow either, it's the kind of wow I utter after watching ridiculous soap opera episodes. As in wow, I can't believe they actually put that lame storyline in there.

WORD LIST: tabulated, belligerance
POSSIBLE EDITS: the chapter title. Also the word grudgedly, is not a sentence.
GENERAL ANNOYANCES: Bella, Jacob, Alice, Bella again.
The whole wierd random sequence of events in this chapter.
BELLA'S CONSTANT CRYING